Keys to The Kingdom: The Abridged Series!
by DarkPaladin000
Summary: A complete rewrite of the story! I've finished editing and re-uploading the chapters. Filled to the brim with plot holes, references to almost everything in the universe, and nothing logical!
1. Mister Monday

Keys to the Kingdom: Abridged

Disclaimer: I don't own the Keys to The Kingdom, or you can imagine what the story would be like.

_On the first day, there was candy._

Sunday didn't want the Will to be done, as it was completely destroy his Barbie Dolls. As the other Morrow days didn't care, he also added their favorite things on the list of things that the Will would destroy, so they all jumped to destroy it.

So, they tore the Will, and the least fragment of it was put inside a diamond somehow, and kept inside an unbreakable box (with its lid open, mind you) and twelve Sentinels were sent to guard the Will.

Then, while the guards were just standing there, bored, someone appeared. It was Monday's Dusk.

Anyway, he walked over to the Nithlings, and said,

"Look, Monday told me to check on the Will."

"Sorry, but you can't go without permission," one of them answered.

Dusk didn't have permission, so he knew there was only one way to get to the will. He pointed in the opposite direction and said,

"Look! There's Barney!" At once, the guards looked eager, and then ran off in that direction singing, "I love you, you love me…"

"Now, it's time to free the Will," Dusk said to himself. "And I really need to stop talking to myself. Oh, I'm going to get my revenge."

Flashback to a few weeks previously.

Monday announced, "Look, I'm changing the fashion to the kind they had around two hundred years ago. That's effective immediately."

Now, this would have meant absolutely nothing to Dusk, until he added,

"Dusk, you can't wear your nose ring anymore."

"But come on, it's my thing."

"No, you have to get rid of it."

Now, back to the scene we left.

"I'll get you back for that. It's okay if you break the Will, it's okay if you laze around all day, it's okay if you kill innocent puppies, but when you mess with the nose ring, I can't stand it anymore." So, he walked to the open unbreakable box and took the diamond. It turned out to actually be made of candy, so he just broke it and let the Will escape.

Meanwhile, Arthur was nearly dying of an asthma attack. Then, Leaf and Ed showed up.

"Wow, does this mean we can eat him?" Ed asked.

"What have I told you about cannibalism, Ed?" Leaf answered.

"It's illegal and rude," Ed said sadly.

_If he's almost dying, and lost his senses I might actually have a chance with him._ Leaf thought. So, they went to get the rest of the class so they could make fun of Arthur together.

Meanwhile, Mister Monday and Sneazer had arrived on the scene.

"Now, we just have to give him the Key," Sneazer said.

"Exactly why am I doing this?" Monday asked.

"You will give the Key to the boy," Sneazer said, waving his hands in a Jedi-like fashion.

"I will give the Key to the boy," Monday said, handing Arthur the Minute Key. "Wait, I've just realized that you've tricked me."

"How observant," Sneazer said, and the Will ran way freely.

A week later, Arthur was back at school. He had figured out how to use the Key, and was hiding in the library when,

"Hello there." someone said. It was a too-handsome man who we don't know. *cough* Monday's Noon *cough*

"So, like give me the Key or something, I'm already in a bad mood because Dawn wouldn't go out with me for the thousandth time," Noon said.

"No way, this thing's mine!" Arthur shouted and ran. So, Monday's Noon ran after him and then Arthur managed to find his way into the House.

"Wow, how did I get here so fast?" Arthur asked himself. Arthur set out to explore the Lower House, while no one informed Mister Monday for some reason. Then, out of a crack in the floor, Nithlings appeared.

"Oh my god, it's mutated broccoli! Someone help us!" someone shouted. Sure enough, monstrous broccoli came out of the crack.

"Quick, climb up here!" A voice came from above. Arthur quickly climbed the ladder to find Suzy. "There's a place where we can go." After running for a while, they were at the edge of the coal cellars.

"So, according to you, we should jump down this hole?" Arthur asked. The Will came out of Suzy and replied,

"Yes." They were about to jump, when the Will said,

"What about the girl?"

"She knows too much, I say we take care of her," Arthur said.

"No! I also want to come on your adventures!" Suzy said.

"You're barely even sidekick material. And, you haven't even hit puberty yet," Arthur said.

"Let's take her. We can use her as live bait."

"Okay," Arthur said. So, they started the long descent towards the coal-cellars.

"Okay, so why is the House nearly completely in complete disorder?" Arthur asked.

"It's ruled by a grown man who plays with Barbie dolls, why else?" The Will replied.

So, they finally ended up near the Old One.

"Hey, it's the Will. How're you doing?" he asked.

"Now you care about me, don't you?" the Will sobbed.

Another Flashback!

"That's it, Old One. You seem to care more for your clocks than me. Now, you'll have to choose between the clocks and me!" The Architect shouted.

"I choose my clocks." the Old One said. The Architect began to cry and sobbed,

"Well, I'm creating a Will to find someone else. Also to get rid of Sunday's Barbie Dolls." Now, we move back to the present scene.

"So, you made the Will to find another date? I'm not supposed to be heir of the House or anything?" Arthur asked.

"Of course not," the Will replied. Meanwhile, the Old One noticed Arthur's watch.

"Whoa, what's that?" He pointed to the watch.

"It's called a watch." (Didn't know that.)

"Wow, a clock you put on your wrist. Tell you what, I'll give you something good for that."

"What?"

"This," the Old One pulled out a pink door. "This will allow you to go anywhere you want. I think it's called the Anywhere Door, I mugged this off some giant blue raccoon."

So, they traded, and found themselves in Monday's Antechamber. Surrounded by his Noon, Dawn, Dusk, and a whole lot of other people.

"Whoa, didn't see that coming," Suzy said.

Monday said, "Since you're all completely hopeless, I think I'll give you my Key." Arthur claimed the Key.

"Yes," Arthur said. "I'm the evil dictator now."

"Does this mean I can wear my nose ring?" Dusk asked.

"No!" everyone shouted.

"Dusk, Noon, switch places," Arthur said.

"No," Noon said. "I don't want to be Dusk."

"I think Dusks are dreamy." Dawn said.

"Okay I'll do it," Noon said happily.

And they all lived happily ever after for the time being. Except Dusk, who was now Noon, who was crying and rolling over the floor like a small child because he wasn't allowed to wear his nose ring.


	2. Grim Tuesday

Keys to the Kingdom: Grim Tuesday

Disclaimer: Again, I don't own the Keys to the Kingdom.

_On the first day, there was candy._

_On the second day, there were trading cards._

Now, Grim Tuesday was shuffling through his trading cards, he had over ten thousand decks, and this was one of his favorites.

For years, he had bored deep into the foundation of the House in search of Nothing to turn into more trading cards. And to sell some things to the other parts of the House. But mostly to get trading cards.

In a flash, two agents who looked they had stepped out of Men in Black appeared. One of them said,

"We weren't in the last chapter, but we somehow have a purpose in this one."

"Which is what?" Grim Tuesday asked.

"We somehow claim to have held a court session that is totally not made up of a bunch of corrupted people to somehow have allowed you to pursue a debt against Arthur Penhalingon."

"For what?"

"You know, things that you sold to Mister Monday."

"I don't care about those."

"You can get more trading cards," the other one added. Tuesday eagerly agreed and put his thumb on the paper they had, as apparently signatures hadn't been invented by that time.

Meanwhile, at Arthur's house, where Arthur had conveniently returned, the phone that Dame Primus gave him was ringing. He picked up the receiver, and a voice said,

"Hello, Agent P, Doofenschmirtz has attacked-"

"Who is this?" Arthur cut in. After that, it appeared that the caller had disconnected the line. Then, the phone rang again.

"Okay, who is it this time?" Arthur asked angrily.

"It's me, the Will. Apparently, the Lower House is in debt, and there is nothing that I can do about it. Come to the House." She disconnected the phone. Then, Arthur ran downstairs to see two real estate agents hammering in a sign in his front yard.

The, Arthur's vision blurred, and he saw what the agents really where: Telletubbies. One was green and the other was blue.

"Wow, I should check my Pokedex for info on these two." The Atlas appeared, and it read:

How many times do I have to tell you? I'm not a Pokedex! Anyway, those are two of the Grim's Telletubbies, he like took his Noon, Dawn and Dusk and forged seven Teletubbies out of them or something.

Then, it shut. The Teletubbies walked over to Arthur, and he said,

"Go away! You're so cute it hurts!" At this, the Teletubbies were forced to use all of their willpower to resist his influence. Arthur noticed this, and said, "Hey, I'm like Tom Bambadil."

"The force is strong in this one," the blue Teletubby said in a voice quite similar to Darth Vader. "So, like sign this or something."

"Man, for some reason I need to enter the House or something," Arthur said. "If only I could conveniently end up there like I did in the first chapter." Just then, Arthur ended up in the Far Reaches similar to what happened in the first chapter.

Then, Arthur walked over to someone who looked like they actually knew something.

"Hey. Do you know what's going on around here?" Arthur asked.

"Yes, we're in the Far Reaches under the rule of Grim Tuesday."

"In other words, you're treated like slaves?"

"Nope. Actually, we're treated quite nicely. Grim Tuesday knows us all personally, and cares for all of us like brethren."

"Wow, the Trustees can't even do slavery properly," Arthur muttered. Then, he realized he had no idea what to do next. Just then, Suzy appeared.

"Oh great, it's you. Why can't anyone else come?" Arthur asked.

"Well, anyway, we have to go to the Grim's Treasure Tower. Maybe the Atlas can act as a Digimon Tamers Digivice."

"Oh, now I'm a series three digivice." the Atlas said. (Yes, it talks.)

Rather than answer that, Suzy and Arthur slowly crept into the Grim's Treasure Tower, where they met the Mariner.

"Hi. Are you the Piper?" Arthur asked. The Mariner said,

"No, actually unlike my other brothers I'm good at nothing. I tried sailing once, but I got seasick the moment I stepped on the boat."

"Well, it could be worse. You could end up writing a fanfiction on a book written by some guy called Garth Nix. You'd really be a loser then," Arthur said.

"We're here to free you," Suzy said.

"Actually, I like it in the Grim's custody. I get three square meals a day, and I get something to do."

"Whatever. We have to get to the Will," Arthur said.

"Maybe we'll conveniently appear next to it like earlier in this chapter," Suzy added.

"No way, that only happens once in a chapter, not twice," The Mariner said.

Just then, they conveniently appear next to the Will like earlier in the chapter.

"Boy, was I wrong," The Mariner said. They approached the Will, and then Suzy exclaimed,

"Hey! It's Winnie the Pooh Bear." Just then, the theme song for Winnie the Pooh played and Suzy started singing along with it.

"Winnie the Pooh, he ate his shoe, he said I hate you." Just then, the Will woke up.

"I am not a cartoon bear."

"I am the heir to the House," Arthur said.

"But as I'm the most skeptical person in the House, I doubt you." Then, they managed to tortu- er, talk to the Will until it agreed to go with them. Then outside, Grim Tuesday caught up with them.

Grim Tuesday used Karate Chop!

It was Super Effective! Arthur got boo-boo.

"Wow, maybe Arthur's an ice type, cause he's so cool," Suzy moaned.

"That was the lamest thing anyone has ever said in this fanfic," Arthur said, getting up. "Everyone knows I'm a dark type."

"Like give me the Pokedex or something," Grim Tuesday said.

"I'm not a Pokedex, I'm the Comp- oh whatever," the Atlas said.

"I challenge you to a Xiaolin Showdown. Wait, wrong fanfic," Arthur said.

"No! We're going to settle this the old-fashioned way: By playing Mortal Kombat 3!" the Will said. Then, two controllers and a television appeared. Both Tuesday and Arthur began playing. Arthur was losing, but then he said,

"Hey look! A trading card!" He pointed in the opposite direction, where Tuesday looked. While he was looking, Arthur beat his character.

"Wow! Arthur cheated! Just like everyone in the House," Suzy said.

Just then, the rest of the minor characters from chapter one appeared.

"So, Arthur, give me the key," Dame Primus said.

"No, I want to use it," Arthur whined.

"Arthur, we have to fill the pit and free the workers."

"No! They're going to stay my slaves and work long hours," Arthur said. "Also, this chapter is much longer than the first, I better get paid overtime."

Um… the end?

P.S. Poor Artie Wartie didn't get paid his overtime.


	3. Drowned Wednesday

Disclaimer: I don't own the Keys to the Kingdom, and the rest of the references belong to their respective owners.

This part of the story is written in the form of a play. If you suffer from allergic reactions or extreme stupidity after reading plays and/or Shakespeare references, we would strongly recommend that you skip this chapter.

**Characters**

Arthur: The main character. It appears he deleted the descriptions of everyone else. Oh well.

Scene 0: Before the Play

Arthur: Hello everyone! I'm the Voldemort of this show.

Suzy: No you're not! You're the main character.

Arthur: Say what? It's written in my contract that-

_Arthur is dragged away._

_On the first day, there was candy.  
On the second day, there were trading cards.  
On the third day, there were plushies._

Scene 1: The Border Sea

_Wednesday loved plushies. She collected plush toys of all shapes and sizes. So, one day, out on the Border Sea, she was going out when she was interrupted by her Dawn._

Dawn: I really don't think that you should go out today.

Wednesday: Why not?

Dawn: Well then, the strangest rumors have reached my ears. For one, Tuesday has donated to a charity, and-

Wednesday: So? They're just rumors, nothing concrete. Now, I've got to go to the Plushie Palace and look at my plushies, especially my Noon and Dusk, who I turned into plushies.

_At this, Dawn was glad she got the Dawn plushie from the Secondary Realms in time. Otherwise, she would have been at a shelf._  
_So, Wednesday continued onwards, and in the Palace she found Saturday, and the rest of the Morrow days._

Wednesday: Wow. It's so nice to see you all here. This probably has nothing to do with the fact that I just told Saturday I wanted to execute my part of the Will or something like that.

Sunday: Of course not. Now, don't you think it's better if you don't let a self-willed walking block of text free?

Wednesday: No, I really need to get rid of my plushie obsession. It seems it's a bit- unhealthy.

Saturday: You really should stop.

Wednesday: What Saturday?

Saturday: Then speak, keys for me!

_All of the Morrow days stab Wednesday with the Keys._

Tuesday: Wait, how do I stab someone with a pair of gauntlets?

_So, they just decide to turn her into a plushie. The irony._

Wednesday: How could you guys do this? After all, I'm your best friend Saturday, and-

_She continues talking for over three hours._

Thursday: That was worse than Tea's friendship speeches.

Tuesday: I have trading cards to collect. Hurry up.

Sunday: Hey, Saturday, you do know that Naruto won't be released today, as it's a holiday in Japan?

Saturday: !

_Saturday faints, but then quickly gets up and turns to Wednesday._

Saturday: How could you not see this coming? Haven't you been looking at my page?

_Soon, a laptop computer manages to come out of nowhere, and it shows Saturday's Facebook page. The posts are as follows:_

Saturday: Wednesday's releasing the Will. This is disastrous.

Monday: How could you not see this coming? Her very initials are D.W., disaster warning.

Friday: Don't know, don't care.

Saturday: I order you to.

Tuesday: You do realize you're deputy to a grown man who plays with Barbie Dolls, don't you?

Saturday: However, Sunday can order us too.

Sunday: I don't care.

Saturday: Wednesday said plush toys are better than dolls.

Sunday: ... Let's do this.

Scene 2: Meanwhile, while we were covering this lame back story, Arthur and Suzy have conveniently managed to get to Port Wednesday, and are have now met with the Raised Rats.

Raised Rat's Leader: It's the Overlanders! Alert King Gorger at once.

Another Rat from the crowd: He died in book one.

Leader: Okay then, alert the Bane!

Another Rat: He died in book five.

Arthur: Stop quoting from books that no one reads. Is there anything you have for me?

Leader: Well, we have this ring, which is completely useless for us, but works for you.

Arthur: What does it do?

Leader: It measures your transformation.

Arthur: Into an almost-immortal Denizen of the House?

Leader: No. Actually, the Keys will transform you from wanting to become the antagonist, to a noble person.

Arthur: That's horrible! I need to stop using the Keys. Anyway, we have to go find Wednesday.

Suzy: Oh well, that's easy, she's at her Plushie Palace.

Arthur: Then why have we been wandering around this place for four hours when you knew that?

Suzy: I wanted to see the Border Sea.

_Arthur does face palm._

_Then, they walk over to the Plushie Palace. Then, Wednesday transforms back into her human form._

Suzy: Hey Arthur, it's D.W.!

Arthur: Wait a minute, didn't the Trustees trap you in plushie form?

Wednesday: No, I just wanted to see how it was like to be a plushie.

_So, Arthur takes the Key from Wednesday. Then, a giant kraken appears from out of the sea to eat Arthur. Arthur anticipates this and throws Drowned Wednesday into its mouth. The kraken leaves._

Suzy: Nice job Arthur.

Arthur: Wait, I thought I threw you. Curses. We must find the Will.

Suzy: Where would someone like Wednesday possible hide the Will?

_Arthur finds the Will as a plushie (big surprise there.)_

Dame Primus: Hey Arthur! You beat D.W. ! Do you know what that means?

Arthur: I can now crown myself king of the pirates?

Dame Primus: No! Pool Party!


	4. Sir Thursday

Disclaimer: Again, I don't own the Keys to the Kingdom, and everything else is the property of their rightful creators.

_On the first day, there was candy.  
On the second day, there were trading cards.  
On the third day, there were plush toys.  
On the fourth day, there were Beyblades._

Long ago, before the breaking of the Will, the Glorious Army of the Architect used normal weapons, or normal by the House's standards. However, they were defeated by a bunch of dust bunnies that seemingly appeared from nowhere. So, they are now trained in the only weapon that can defeat Dust Bunnies: Children's Tops/Beyblades.

For ten thousand years, Sir Thursday had trained his army in the art of using Beyblades for combat. Just now, he was wandering around the Great Maze, watching hundreds of soldiers practicing, using their launchers hundreds of times. Just then, his Noon came.

"Um, sir," said Noon.

"What is it?" Thursday asked.

"Well, it's now our turn to face Arthur. So, I was thinking, shouldn't we have some other weapons besides Beyblades?"

At this, Thursday replied very angrily, "Stop it! You already have your Beyblade, now you'll ask for some firearms. Next you'll ask me for a morpher, what do you think we are, Power Rangers?"

Meanwhile, Arthur had found himself in the Great Maze.

"Great, at least Suzy's not here," he said. At that very moment, Suzy popped out from nowhere next to him."Aww, man."

"Hey, Arthur, I took these Beyblades from somewhere. The Will is hidden in Thursday's Beyblade," Suzy said.

"How do you know that?" Arthur asked.

"The plot line is so obvious that it's the only place it could be."

"You mean even Thursday battles with Beyblades? What's next, Beyblading on motorcycles?"

Then, they set off, and following a bunch of events that are in no way relative to the plotline, involving ice cream, Gummy Bears, and the Bakugan Battle Brawlers, they managed to find Sir Thursday.

"I challenge you to a game of Beyblade," Arthur said.

"I agree," Thursday replied.

"How unexpected," Suzy said.

"Sir, you can't possibly want to put the future of the Army on a battle of children's tops?" Thursday's Noon said.

"Of course not. His Beyblade is one of the old ones we use for practice. Mine is new," Thursday said, turning to his Times. Then, they began their battle. Contrary to what Thursday said, Arthur didn't lose instantly.

"While you were talking to your Times, I changed the parts of your Beyblade," Arthur explained.

"Why didn't you just free the Will?" Suzy asked.

"Because, that's too simple for someone like me," Arthur said.

And so, the most dramatic battle between a grown man and a teenager using children's tops continued. It got boring after a while, so Arthur asked,

"Hey Thursday, has the Army actually ever won a battle?"

"Well, there was that time with the Unicorns..." Thursday began.

"Sir, we lost that war," his Dawn said.

"Still, there was another battle, when those Girl Scouts invaded."

"No, sir. We lost that one, and we're still paying off the loan for all of the cookies we bought during the peace treaty," his Dawn said again.

"Wow, this army sure is lame," Arthur said. "Time to put you all out of your lameness. Go Beyblade!"

Somehow, as if Arthur could use telepathy to move his Beyblade, he knocked out Thursday's Beyblade out of the ring, and freed the Will.  
"I think I'm going to kill Thursday," the Will said.

"Okay, I don't have a problem with it," Arthur said.

Then, Arthur realized that this chapter wasn't over yet, and he still had to do something.

Meanwhile, the Piper was planning to build up his army.

"Well, I'm building up my army. Apparently, building it up right next to the Glorious Army of the Architect is a good idea." Then, he foresaw that the main characters were going to arrive there.

"Well, I must disguise myself by using a mask I found in a dumpster somewhere." He then put on the mask. "Now, no one can recognize me."

"Hey look, it's the Piper," Arthur said, as he hurried with his Noon, Dawn and Dusk.

"Oh whatever, I'm going to attack you with my army." Just then, Orange Orangutans appeared from all across the place. The Piper laughed, "This is my army. The Ultra Non-Cute Orange Orangutan League!"

"You do realize that spells U.N.C.O.O.L., right?" Arthur said, and then all of them were too busy giggling to take the Piper seriously.

"Shut up!" The Piper said angrily. "I am the Piper, creator and supreme commander of the U.N.C.O.O.L!"

The Orange Orangutans pulled out various weapons and began to advance towards Arthur.

"Ultra Non-Cute Orange Orangutan League, go! And while you're all doing that, I have some children to grab," The Piper shouted.

"Man, how do we beat him?" Arthur's Noon asked.

"I suppose we should just fire our Beyblades on them, and knowing the way this fanfic is written, it will probably destroy the army," Arthur said. So, deciding that they had absolutely nothing better to do, they fired their children's tops at the Piper and his army.

"Ahh, plastic, our one weakness!" the Piper cried as his army was defeated, and the U.N.C.O.O.L abandoned him.

He then tried to run, but was stopped by Arthur.

"Now, you shall be punished," Arthur said. "I'm going to make you reveal your identity to all of us here." Using the Keys, he forced the Piper to speak his real name.

"My real name is... Peter!" he said. At that moment, everyone in the vicinity gasped.

"The Piper's real name is Peter, that's like the real first plot twist in this whole fanfic!" Dame Primus said.

"How did you get here?" Arthur asked.

"I turn up at the end of every chapter, apparently it's the only thing I do," Dame Primus answered.

"Anyway," The Piper began, "My name isn't the same surprise as Sunday's. His real name is-"

_To be continued._


	5. Lady Friday

Disclaimer: Once more, I don't own the Keys to the Kingdom. The rest of the references belong to their respective owners.

_On the first day, there was candy.  
On the second day, there were trading cards.  
On the third day, there were plushies.  
On the fourth day, there were Beyblades.  
On the fifth day, there were video games._

Lady Friday loved video games. As a matter of fact, the entire Middle House was involved in the manufacture and production of video games of all kinds. They were forged in a remote corner of the Lower House, from where they were shipped to the various guilds which packed the games and then sent them to Friday's Scriptorium. There, there were virtual reality helmets which Friday used to experience the video games. The only problem with them was that if they were taken off before the game was complete, the mind of the denizen using it would be broken. Friday blamed it all on bad plot devices.

Of course, she also run a hospital because it had been her parent's dying wish to see her become a doctor. What are you saying, denizens don't have children? Oh yeah, I forgot about that. Well, no one really knows why Friday decided to become a doctor. Some think she had a crush on Dr. Scamandros and wanted to be in the same profession he was, but that's just a theory.

So, one not-so-fine day, her Dawn came running up to her, holding an envelope in her hand.

"Wait, I'm not a girl," he sobbed.

"Get over it, everyone thinks Deidara's a girl and he never complains," Friday said.

"Deidara is a girl," Dawn said.

"Exactly. Now why did you come here?" Friday asked.

"Look, a Telegram!" he exclaimed.

"Very good," Friday said with a smile. She held up a cup. "Now, tell me what's this?"

Dawn stared at her for a few seconds before realizing exactly what she was saying. "No, ma'am I mean there's a telegram for you."  
"Oh." Friday was blushing. "I knew that, I was merely testing you."

Her Dawn highly doubted that.

Friday opened the envelope, and read the telegram. Then, she put it back down.

"Aren't you going to reveal what's in that envelope?" her Dawn asked her.

"Of course not. I'm going to conceal it so it can be an actual plot device for this chapter." she said. She then gave her Dawn specific orders.

A few hours later...

Friday was looking at the wall. She was wondering what was behind that locked door in Neoquest when her Dawn barged in.

"Ma'am, I did what you said. I gave the invitations, and I laid the trap to destroy Arthur and the Piper."

"What about the limited edition copy of Pokemon Green I wanted? It's hard to believe they were only released in Japan."

"Well, I really didn't get time to do that."

"What do you mean! I didn't care about the rest, but you were supposed to bring the game." Then, she threw her Dawn off the tower they were in.

"Ow! My pancreas!" Dawn shouted as he hit a rock.

"Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to kidnap people and run away to a secluded location," Friday said.

Meanwhile, well you know the drill. Arthur appears and so does Suzy and whatnot.

"Wow, I'm in the Middle House. The only part of the House that doesn't seem to actually do anything," Arthur said.

"Hello Suzy," Arthur said, smiling. Then, he suddenly clapped his hand over his mouth, as if he had just said something disgusting. "I forgot to be mean to Suzy!"

"It must be just as the Raised Rats said. The Keys are slowly transforming you into a noble person," Suzy said.

"No!" Arthur shouted.

"But the transformation isn't complete yet. This is the chapter where you truly rediscover yourself emotionally and finally find the path you're supposed to walk on," Suzy explained.

"Oh well."

Then, he opened his invitation that Dawn had sent him.

"Wow, this couldn't possibly be a trap, let's go," Arthur said.

And so, Suzy, Arthur, The Will and the Piper managed to go to the room where the Fifth Key was placed.

"Don't take it, it might cause a burst of Nothing killing us all the moment we take it," the Will warned.

"Of course not. That kind of stuff only happens in lame adventure novels. As this is an abridged series, there's definitely going to be something more original than that. Just think about it, something as simple as a trap would destroy this fanfic's nearly nonexistent fanbase," the Piper said.

So, he went over to get the Key. The moment he touched it, Nothing started seeping into the room.

"I totally didn't see that coming," the Piper said. "Well, see you later." He climbed the Improbable Stair. Apparently, it actually exists.  
So, our heroes also managed to escape at the last moment, and ended up in a hospital in the Secondary Realms.

"This must be Lady Friday's hospital," Arthur said.

"How do you know?" Suzy asked.

"It's written on the front." There was indeed, a neon sign saying Friday's Hospital.

Well, they attempted to sneak around without being noticed, but a hospital attendant saw them.

"Ahhhh!" he screamed. Then, he calmed down. He pointed at the Will. "I thought you were my fifth-grade English teacher. Nah, she looked weirder."

"So, who are you?" Arthur asked.

"I work at the hospital," he replied.

"And you've never noticed anything strange? Like the fact that Doctor Friday only comes on Friday, and doesn't seem to have a medical degree of any kind?" the Will asked.

"Nope. Nothing strange around here." He then continued onwards.

"I suppose we should go find Friday," Arthur said. "My Arthur senses tell me she's this way." He pointed towards the hallway. So, they made their way where they found Friday.

"You named yourself Doctor Friday? You couldn't find yourself a better name?" Suzy asked.

"Well, at least it's better than Sunday's real name. Why did the Architect name him-" Friday began.

"_Expecto patronum_!" Arthur shouted. For a moment, a silvery shape assumed around them, but then it vanished.

"Hah! You'll have to do better than that," Friday sneered. "It's obvious that you're facing a dilemma inside of you, which is why you can't conjure a patronus."

"Wow, this really is the chapter where I metamorphically find myself," Arthur said.

"Now, I'm going to like, completely destroy you." Friday said, stepping forward.

Our heroes were forced backwards, being unable to fight. It was then, that Arthur realized something his teacher had taught him:

2+2=5? No.

Always wear a helmet before attempting to lick the floor? No.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away? Yes!

Arthur immediately grabbed an apple, and threw it at Friday. The moment it went in contact with her, she melted just like the Fetchers did in book one which was never mentioned in the first chapter.

At that moment, Arthur completely transformed. So, will Saturday defeat Arthur? Will Arthur finally succeed? You just want me to end the chapter, don't you? What did you take me for, a bozo who doesn't know anything? It was a rhetorical question.


	6. Superior Saturday

Disclaimer: Again, I don't own KTK or anything mentioned below.

_On the first day, there was candy.  
On the second day, there were trading cards.  
On the third day, there were plushies.  
On the fourth day, there were Beyblades.  
On the fifth day, there were video games.  
On the sixth day, there was manga._

Unlike the other chapters, this begins in the White House.

"Well, sir. I've just heard that there's a town in which a disease has spread. What should we do?" an attendant asked.

"We're going to do the only thing the US government can do, order a nuclear attack!" was the answer.

Meanwhile, Arthur arrived at the Upper House.

"Well, as this place is dedicated to sorcery, I should expect Harry Potter to appear," he said.

Five minutes passed in silence. Nothing happened, which is a first for this series.

"Well, that's mostly surprising. Come to think of it, there are suspicious things going on. That Nothing trap in the Middle house was too obvious, and I was expecting a Harry Potter reference by now." Strangely enough, no one answered his call.

"Wait, where's Suzy? I get used to her and now she just vanishes?"

On the other part of the Upper House, Suzy had been captured by Superior Saturday. Her sorcerers held her while she talked.

"I'm Saturday. I'm pretty much the only real villain in this place," she said. "Now that I've got you in my custody, I'm going to do what every villain does, tell you my plan."

"But why?" Suzy asked.

"Because that's what real villains do," Saturday replied. "Now, first, I'm going to capture you and force all information you have on Arthur out of you. Then, the same way I killed Grim Tuesday I'll destroy Arthur."

"I'll never tell you anything!" Suzy replied defiantly.

"I have ways of making you talk," Saturday replied with a grin.

"Nothing you could do to me could possibly be worse than having to serve under Dame Primus," Suzy said.

"True. But, I know of something worse: making you watch My Little Pony." Saturday said.

"Nooooo!" Suzy screamed. Saturday laughed evilly, because she's an evil villain and that's what evil villains do.

Meanwhile, Arthur was talking to Dame Primus, who for once actually came in the middle of a chapter.

"Oh my god! You came in the middle of the chapter! It's a sign of the apocalypse!" Arthur said. "Anyway, Saturday should be easy."  
"Don't underestimate her," Dame Primus warned.

"What do you mean? She's second banana to a grown man who plays with Barbie Dolls, how bad could she be?" Arthur said.

"Now, Arthur," Dame Primus started. "There's a gigantic leak of Nothing that's about to destroy the entire House. And guess what? I can't do anything about it." She smiled.

"You've never done anything," Arthur pointed out.

"True, but I suppose you could give me the Architect's Pokedex. I need it."

"Okay, there's absolutely nothing suspicious about that," Arthur said, handing over the Pokedex to Dame Primus.

Before they could continue their meaningless discussion, they were interrupted by Dr. Scamandros.

"How come I haven't been in any of the earlier chapters?" he asked.

"You were in Drowned Wednesday, we just skipped that part during the flashback," Arthur pointed out. "So, what are you going to do?"

"Well then, the Piper and his army are coming to attack, so I'm going to warn everyone," Dr. Scamandros replied, and then got up on a horse. In a very Paul Revere-like fashion, he went around the place screaming: "The uncool are coming! The uncool are coming!"

"Oh yeah, Arthur, the army is going to bomb your home town. Like you'd expect, there's nothing I can do about that either." Then, Dame Primus turned around and skipped merrily all the way home. The End.

"Wait a minute, this chapter can't end yet. I haven't fought with Arthur yet," Saturday said, suddenly coming at Arthur.

"Well Saturday, while your plan may have been brilliant, you forgot something," Arthur said.

"What?" Saturday asked.

"Your psychic attacks may have worked against a fighting type like Tuesday, but I am a dark type, and so am immune to your psychic powers," Arthur explained.

"Aww, pooey!" Saturday said. Just then, Suzy appeared from behind her.

"How did you escape?" Saturday asked.

"You forgot the most important rule of world domination: Never put your Death Note DVDs next to your Harry Potter books," Suzy said.

"I knew I shouldn't have let Barry organize my quarters. Anyway, it doesn't matter! For now, my plan is complete, and there's nothing you can do to stop me!" Saturday said.

"Wow, you really are the only real villain in this series," Arthur commented.

"My Sorcerers have caused the Nothing leak in the House, which allows me to reach the Incomparable Gardens as calculated."

"Calculated? Yeah right. You just had no options left and tried to see if it worked," Arthur said.

"Well, yes. But now, I'm going to invade Sunday's realm, just like the back stabber I am!" She then ran off.

"I must stop the nuclear attack. To my home town!" Arthur shouted. The surrounding swirled around him like in The Magic Tree House, and he found Leaf.

"Now Leaf, there's going to be a nuclear attack on all of us. So, I've decided to pull a Dame Primus and not do anything at all. Good luck while trying to save everyone for me, okay thanks?" Then, Arthur returned to the House, ready to finally end this series.


	7. Lord Sunday

Disclaimer: For the last time, I don't own the Keys to the Kingdom. The rest of the references belong to their respective owners.

_Previously, on the Keys to the Kingdom:_  
"Now , I'm King of the Lower House," Arthur said to Monday. "Now bow to me and kiss my feet."

Suzy is lying down on the ground while Arthur frantically talks to her,

"Suzy! Suzy! Speak to me!"  
"Bulbasaur," Suzy said.  
"Wait," Arthur said. "You're a grass type? I always imagined you were a bug type, you know because you're always bugging me."

_On the first day, there was candy.  
On the second day, there were trading cards.  
On the third day, there were plushies.  
On the fourth day, there were Beyblades.  
On the fifth day, there was pizza.  
On the sixth day, there was Manga.  
On the seventh day, there were Barbie Dolls._

Saturday arrived in the Incomparable Gardens, as per her evil plan, which was evil because the one who had written it was evil.

The Incomparable Gardens may have been nice at one point, but Sunday had killed all the plants and put huge boxes containing Barbie Dolls instead.

"I would have succeeded, if only it wasn't for those meddling kids," she said.

There, to her surprise, Sunday was waiting. There was a strange look in his eye.

"Do you know what happened to me today? I was going to get the new Saturday Barbie from the Secondary Realms, but they were sold out." He now looked insane. He slowly approached Saturday, who was for once looking fearful.

"Ah." Arthur said, stretching his arms. "Well, no matter what happens, one thing is certain: this series is going to be over. That's the only thing I care about, I really need a vacation." Before he had taken two steps, Sunday appeared right in front of him.

Sunday was not what Arthur expected. He was wearing boots, belt, pants and shirt that were black just like Batman. He was even wearing underwear outside. It might have worked if he wasn't wearing a Barbie hat on his head.

Arthur peeked around Sunday, and saw Saturday. She had been made immobile, and dressed in the manner of a Barbie doll.

"So, if I remember correctly, you are still a dark type. So, I suppose bug attacks will have to do," Suday said. Just then, some of his worms used String Shot, trapping Arthur. After trying a bit, he found out that he couldn't move at all.

"So, aren't you going to tell me your plan?" Arthur asked.

"What plan?" Sunday asked, puzzled.

"You know, when the villain captures the hero he goes on and needlessly tells his plan," Arthur said. Sunday scratched his head.

"Well, you see I really don't have a plan. I mean, come one, compared to this fanfic, Yu-Gi-Oh! GX actually had a plotline. There really isn't a storyline for me to actually have a plot."

"Wow, I thought you might actually be hard. But, you were pretty disappointing. Kind of like Eragon the movie."

"Oh yeah, that movie was just horrible," Sunday agreed. He then stretched his arms, "Well, I guess I should be going. By the way my name's not really Sunday it's-" He was about to continue, when Arthur shouted,

"Phanphy! Use rollout!" Arthur's toy elephant grew to life, and it curled up into a ball and then rammed Sunday. Arthur then cut himself free.

"By the way, if any of you are wondering where my toy elephant came from, I'm just as confused as you. Alice in Wonderland probably has more logic that this place," Just then, everyone was transported to where the Will was hidden. Then, nearly every character Arthur had ever met appeared there, including the Piper and the Mariner.

"With this mask on, no one will recognize me!" the Piper shouted.

"Hello Piper," Sunday said.

All of the three brothers looked at each other, shocked. Then, Piper pointed his finger at Sunday,

"You took my cheese! And then you told me that the Mariner did it."

"Well, you wouldn't share any of it with me," Sunday said indifferently. "That was before I realized the beauty of Barbie dolls."

Then, all of the brothers started bickering and screaming like three-year olds.

At that moment, the Mariner used his harpoon to free the last part of the Will.

"Hooray! I actually do something in this chapter!" the Mariner rejoiced.

"You see, that's why one should have no family. Families just lead to trouble, look at me, I don't have any family member and I'm the main character," Arthur said proudly.

"No, Arthur. I am your father," Sunday said.

Everyone gasped.

"No way! It can't be true!" Arthur said.

"Search it in your heart Arthur, you know its true."

"Really?" Arthur asked.

"No, I just said it to increase the climax," Sunday said. "Now, I'm going to rule the House."

"Well, I can't allow that to happen," Arthur said. "It's time to completely destroy the House." A bottle of Nothing came from Nowhere (Courage is now pleased.) Arthur poured it all over the ground, where it destroyed the entire House. Just then, the Will fused together to form the Architect. Then, the Old One Appeared.

"Hey, you destroyed my clocks! It's okay when you mess with the rest of the House, that's your problem, but you do not destroy my clocks!" The Old One moaned.

"Keep quiet! You do realize that you're just a part of me, don't you?" The Architect said.

Silence ensued that for a good five seconds. A record in the House.

"Wait a minute, did you just go out with yourself?" Arthur asked. "That's just... weird."

"I'm a complicated person," the Architect said, and then fused with the Old One. "Well, Arthur, I hope you use my keys properly. Well, bye?" She then returned to Nothing.

"Wait a minute, what do I do?" Arthur screamed into the darkness.

Just then, I, the writer of this fanfic appeared.

"Well Arthur, you've been a good main character. But, I've just sold your rights to 4kids," I said.

"Wait a minute, does that mean.."

"Yes, they will now take your show and mutilate it so badly no one will be able to recognize any of the characters anymore."

"No! I use the power of the Keys to force you to end this fanfic." Arthur shouted.

"You can't do that, I'm the autho-" Suddenly, I was forced to end the fanfic.  
So, THE END.  
A/N By the way, the part about me selling the rights was a joke, I don't actually own them.


End file.
